{"id":2682,"date":"2025-05-24T22:15:27","date_gmt":"2025-05-24T22:15:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/?p=2682"},"modified":"2025-05-24T22:15:27","modified_gmt":"2025-05-24T22:15:27","slug":"ben-esimi-cok-sevmistim","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/ben-esimi-cok-sevmistim\/","title":{"rendered":"Ben E\u015fimi \u00c7ok Sevmi\u015ftim"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\t\t<style type=\"text\/css\">\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 {\n\t\t\t\tmargin: auto;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 .gallery-item {\n\t\t\t\tfloat: left;\n\t\t\t\tmargin-top: 10px;\n\t\t\t\ttext-align: center;\n\t\t\t\twidth: 33%;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 img {\n\t\t\t\tborder: 2px solid #cfcfcf;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t#gallery-1 .gallery-caption {\n\t\t\t\tmargin-left: 0;\n\t\t\t}\n\t\t\t\/* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes\/media.php *\/\n\t\t<\/style>\n\t\t<div id='gallery-1' class='gallery galleryid-2682 gallery-columns-3 gallery-size-thumbnail'><dl class='gallery-item'>\n\t\t\t<dt class='gallery-icon landscape'>\n\t\t\t\t<a href='https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/ben-esimi-cok-sevmistim\/t-30\/'><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" src=\"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/t-8-150x150.png\" class=\"attachment-thumbnail size-thumbnail\" alt=\"\" aria-describedby=\"gallery-1-2683\" \/><\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/dt>\n\t\t\t\t<dd class='wp-caption-text gallery-caption' id='gallery-1-2683'>\n\t\t\t\tBen e\u015fimi \u00e7ok sevmi\u015ftim, 22 y\u0131ld\u0131r evliydik, ona kar\u015f\u0131 g\u00fcvenim sonsuzdu, onun i\u00e7in k\u00f6t\u00fc birsey s\u00f6yleyen herkesi kar\u015f\u0131ma ald\u0131m hatta o ki\u015filerle g\u00f6r\u00fc\u015fmeyi bile b\u0131rakm\u0131\u015ft\u0131m, oda beni mutlu etmek i\u00e7in elinden geleni yap\u0131yordu. Herkesin yan\u0131nda beni \u00f6ver kimseye laf ettirmezdi, asl\u0131nda ufak tefek sorunlar hari\u00e7 her\u015fey bu y\u0131la kadar yolundayd\u0131 ama birka\u00e7 ayd\u0131r bir tuhafl\u0131k sezinliyordum, ilgisi azalm\u0131\u015f ve s\u00fcrekli dalg\u0131nd\u0131. Onun i\u015flerine ben kar\u0131\u015fmazd\u0131m, o g\u00fcn i\u00e7imde bir s\u0131k\u0131nt\u0131 vard\u0131 evde duramaz oldum, ne yapsam faydas\u0131 yok \u00e7ok huzursuzdum, e\u015fimin yan\u0131na gitmeye karar verdim, i\u015fyerine gitmek i\u00e7in \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m evden, acaba isyerinde olup olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 sormak i\u00e7in arad\u0131m e\u015fimi ama cevap vermedi daha da tedirgin oldum defalarca arad\u0131m ama a\u00e7mad\u0131, neyse ki sonunda e\u015fimin i\u015fyerine geldim \u00e7al\u0131\u015fanlar beni g\u00f6r\u00fcnce birbirlerine bakmaya ba\u015flad\u0131 hepsinin eli aya\u011f\u0131na dola\u015ft\u0131 neler oluyordu kalbim h\u0131zla \u00e7arpmaya ba\u015flad\u0131 Bi h\u0131\u015f\u0131mla e\u015fimin odas\u0131na dald\u0131m..\n\n\t\t\t\t<\/dd><\/dl><dl class='gallery-item'>\n\t\t\t<dt class='gallery-icon landscape'>\n\t\t\t\t<a href='https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/ben-esimi-cok-sevmistim\/ben-esimi\/'><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" src=\"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/ben-esimi-150x150.png\" class=\"attachment-thumbnail size-thumbnail\" alt=\"\" aria-describedby=\"gallery-1-2684\" \/><\/a>\n\t\t\t<\/dt>\n\t\t\t\t<dd class='wp-caption-text gallery-caption' id='gallery-1-2684'>\n\t\t\t\tKap\u0131y\u0131 \u00f6yle sert a\u00e7m\u0131\u015f\u0131m ki mente\u015felerden \u00e7\u0131kan ses b\u00fct\u00fcn ofisi \u00e7\u0131nlatt\u0131. Herkesin g\u00f6zleri bana \u00e7evrilmi\u015fti. Ama ben sadece onu g\u00f6r\u00fcyordum: E\u015fim. E\u015fimdi h\u00e2l\u00e2, de\u011fil mi? \u0130\u00e7erideydi, odas\u0131n\u0131n cam\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131kt\u0131 ama sesi \u00e7\u0131kmam\u0131\u015ft\u0131. \u015ea\u015fk\u0131nl\u0131kla kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde dikilen sekreterin yan\u0131ndan ge\u00e7ip kap\u0131y\u0131 a\u00e7t\u0131m. O an hayat\u0131m\u0131n en tuhaf anlar\u0131ndan biriydi. Kalbim h\u0131zla \u00e7arp\u0131yordu ama bir yandan da sanki zaman durmu\u015f gibiydi. Kap\u0131n\u0131n aral\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan i\u00e7eri bakt\u0131m. E\u015fim yaln\u0131zd\u0131. Elinde telefon, y\u00fcz\u00fc bembeyaz\u2026 G\u00f6zleri beni g\u00f6r\u00fcnce b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc ama bir kelime dahi etmedi. \u201cTelefonlar\u0131n\u0131 neden a\u00e7m\u0131yorsun?\u201d dedim. Sadece bakt\u0131. \u201cBuraya geldi\u011fimde herkes birbirine bak\u0131p durdu. Ne oluyor?\u201d dedim, sesim titriyordu. Aram\u0131zda uzun bir sessizlik oldu. Sanki b\u00fct\u00fcn ofis duvarlar\u0131 \u00fcst\u00fcme \u00e7\u00f6km\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc. En sonunda, derin bir nefes ald\u0131: \u201cKonu\u015fmam\u0131z gerek,\u201d dedi. Bu s\u00f6zleri duymak bile yeterince \u00fcrk\u00fct\u00fcc\u00fcyd\u00fc. Ama g\u00f6zlerinde ilk kez bana dair bir su\u00e7luluk vard\u0131. Bir anneye, bir e\u015fe de\u011fil de, bir yabanc\u0131ya bakar gibi bakt\u0131 bana. \u0130\u00e7im par\u00e7alan\u0131yordu ama h\u00e2l\u00e2 onun k\u00f6t\u00fc biri olmad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmek istiyordum. Koltuklardan birine oturdum, \u201cDinliyorum,\u201d dedim. Ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6n\u00fcne e\u011fdi. \u201cSon birka\u00e7 ayd\u0131r sana kar\u015f\u0131 uzakla\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131 fark etti\u011fini biliyorum. Ve yalan s\u00f6ylemeyece\u011fim. Evet, hayat\u0131mda ba\u015fka biri oldu.\u201d Bu c\u00fcmle\u2026 \u0130\u015fte o an, nefesim kesildi. Kalbim parampar\u00e7a oldu. Ellerim buz gibi oldu ama a\u011flamad\u0131m. O an a\u011flamad\u0131m. \u201cE\u015fimdin sen,\u201d dedim sadece. \u201cBirlikte b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fck biz. \u00c7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 b\u00fcy\u00fctt\u00fck, ac\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 payla\u015ft\u0131k. Nas\u0131l oldu bu?\u201d Anlatt\u0131. O kad\u0131n\u0131n kim oldu\u011funu, nas\u0131l tan\u0131\u015ft\u0131klar\u0131n\u0131, nas\u0131l ba\u015fta sadece bir arkada\u015fl\u0131k gibi ba\u015flad\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131\u2026 Ama sonras\u0131nda duygular\u0131n\u0131n de\u011fi\u015fti\u011fini. \u201cBen seni h\u00e2l\u00e2 seviyorum ama\u2026 farkl\u0131 bir \u015fekilde,\u201d dedi. Ne garipti. Bir yandan \u00f6fkelenmek, onu orada terk etmek istiyordum. Ama di\u011fer yandan\u2026 hay\u0131r, ba\u015fka bir \u015fey vard\u0131 i\u00e7imde. Aya\u011fa kalkt\u0131m. \u201cBiliyor musun,\u201d dedim, \u201cSana olan g\u00fcvenimle sava\u015ft\u0131m ben y\u0131llarca. Herkesin bana \u2018yapma\u2019 dedi\u011fi zamanlarda seninle evlenmek i\u00e7in m\u00fccadele ettim. \u015eimdi\u2026 Yirmi iki y\u0131l sonra bunu duyuyorum. Ama ben sana k\u00fcs gitmeyece\u011fim. Ben \u00f6nce bir kad\u0131n, sonra bir anneyim. Sadece bir e\u015f de\u011fil.\u201d Ofisten \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. B\u00fct\u00fcn g\u00f6zler pe\u015fimdeydi ama hi\u00e7birini umursamad\u0131m. Arabama bindim ve deniz k\u0131y\u0131s\u0131na gittim. Uzun s\u00fcre suya bakt\u0131m. A\u011flad\u0131m. \u0130\u00e7imdeki her \u015fey d\u00f6k\u00fcld\u00fc g\u00f6zya\u015f\u0131 olup. Ama o an bir karar verdim. Ben bu hik\u00e2yenin ma\u011fduru olmayacakt\u0131m. Ben yeniden do\u011facakt\u0131m. AYLAR SONRA\u2026 Bo\u015fanma ger\u00e7ekle\u015fti. Evet, ac\u0131yd\u0131. Ama her ayr\u0131l\u0131k bir son de\u011fildi. Benim i\u00e7in bir ba\u015flang\u0131\u00e7t\u0131. \u00d6nce bir terapiye ba\u015flad\u0131m. Sonra y\u0131llard\u0131r erteledi\u011fim \u00fcniversite hayalime d\u00f6nd\u00fcm. Sosyoloji b\u00f6l\u00fcm\u00fcne kaydoldum. Art\u0131k insanlar\u0131n duygular\u0131n\u0131 anlamak, onlara destek olmak istiyordum. \u00c7ocuklar\u0131m yan\u0131mdayd\u0131. Onlara hi\u00e7 babalar\u0131 hakk\u0131nda k\u00f6t\u00fc bir s\u00f6z s\u00f6ylemedim. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc biliyordum; nefret y\u00fcklenmek, insan\u0131 sadece daha da yorar. Ben i\u00e7imi iyilikle, sab\u0131rla ve \u015fefkatle doldurmay\u0131 se\u00e7tim. Bir g\u00fcn bir kad\u0131n dan\u0131\u015fan\u0131m bana dedi ki: \u201cBen bu ac\u0131dan sa\u011f \u00e7\u0131kamam.\u201d Ona sadece \u015funu s\u00f6yledim: \u201c\u00c7\u0131kars\u0131n. Ben \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131m. Yaral\u0131 bir kad\u0131nd\u0131m ama yaralar\u0131m\u0131 yaza \u00e7evirdim. Kendine inand\u0131\u011f\u0131nda, hi\u00e7bir \u015fey seni y\u0131kamaz.\u201d O kad\u0131n \u015fimdi bir psikolojik dan\u0131\u015fmanl\u0131k merkezinde g\u00f6n\u00fcll\u00fc \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yor. T\u0131pk\u0131 benim gibi. VE DERS: Bazen en g\u00fcvendi\u011finiz ki\u015fi sizi hayal k\u0131r\u0131kl\u0131\u011f\u0131na u\u011fratabilir. Ama bu sizin de\u011ferinizden bir \u015fey eksiltmez. \u0130nsan, her y\u0131k\u0131l\u0131\u015ftan sonra yeniden aya\u011fa kalkabilir. Bize d\u00fc\u015fen, ba\u015f\u0131m\u0131za gelenle de\u011fil; onunla ne yapt\u0131\u011f\u0131m\u0131zla tan\u0131mlanmak. Ben art\u0131k ge\u00e7mi\u015fime bir y\u00fck gibi de\u011fil, bir \u00f6\u011fretmen gibi bak\u0131yorum. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc ac\u0131lar b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcr. Ve b\u00fcy\u00fcd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm\u00fczde, ba\u015fkalar\u0131na \u0131\u015f\u0131k olabiliriz.\n\t\t\t\t<\/dd><\/dl>\n\t\t\t<br style='clear: both' \/>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2683,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2682","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-foto-galeri"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2682","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2682"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2682\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2685,"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2682\/revisions\/2685"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2683"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2682"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2682"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2682"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}