{"id":5066,"date":"2026-03-29T23:28:44","date_gmt":"2026-03-29T23:28:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/ff-20.webp"},"modified":"2026-03-29T23:28:52","modified_gmt":"2026-03-29T23:28:52","slug":"ff-51","status":"inherit","type":"attachment","link":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/iki-yil-once-on-bir-yasindaki-kizim-defneyi-topraga-verdim-esim-selim-hastane-evraklari-ve-cenaze-islemleriyle-ilgilenirken-ben-adeta-dunyadan-kopmustum\/ff-51\/","title":{"rendered":"\u0130ki y\u0131l \u00f6nce, on bir ya\u015f\u0131ndaki k\u0131z\u0131m Defne\u2019yi topra\u011fa verdim. E\u015fim Selim hastane evraklar\u0131 ve cenaze i\u015flemleriyle ilgilenirken, ben adeta d\u00fcnyadan kopmu\u015ftum."},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":[],"class_list":["post-5066","attachment","type-attachment","status-inherit","hentry"],"description":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n"},"caption":{"rendered":"

\u201cTitreyen ellerimle kap\u0131 kolunu kavrad\u0131m ve kap\u0131y\u0131 ard\u0131na kadar a\u00e7t\u0131m. \u0130\u00e7eri ad\u0131m\u0131m\u0131 att\u0131\u011f\u0131mda kar\u015f\u0131mda g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm manzara, ger\u00e7ekli\u011fe dair bildi\u011fim her \u015feyi sonsuza dek par\u00e7alayacakt\u0131\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

M\u00fcd\u00fcr\u00fcn devasa deri koltu\u011funda, ayaklar\u0131 yere zar zor de\u011fen, \u00fczerinde biraz bol gelen gri, y\u0131pranm\u0131\u015f bir h\u0131rka olan k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir k\u0131z oturuyordu. Dizlerinin \u00fczerinde kavu\u015fturdu\u011fu elleri yaprak gibi titriyor, ba\u015f\u0131 \u00f6ne e\u011fik duruyordu. Kap\u0131n\u0131n \u015fiddetle a\u00e7\u0131lma sesiyle birlikte irkilerek ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 h\u0131zla kald\u0131rd\u0131. O an zaman durdu. Nefesim bo\u011faz\u0131mda d\u00fc\u011f\u00fcmlendi, g\u00f6\u011f\u00fcs kafesime batan g\u00f6r\u00fcnmez i\u011fneler kalbimi durduracakm\u0131\u015f gibi oldu. G\u00f6z g\u00f6ze geldik.<\/p>\n

O iri, korku dolu ela g\u00f6zler\u2026 Sol yana\u011f\u0131nda, tam elmac\u0131k kemi\u011finin alt\u0131ndaki o k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck, y\u0131ld\u0131z \u015feklindeki \u00e7ilek lekesi\u2026 \u00c7enesi boynuna do\u011fru hafif\u00e7e k\u0131vr\u0131lan, her gece r\u00fcyalar\u0131mda g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm o tan\u0131d\u0131k y\u00fcz hatlar\u0131\u2026<\/p>\n

Bu bir benzerlik de\u011fildi. Bu ac\u0131m\u0131n yaratt\u0131\u011f\u0131 ac\u0131mas\u0131z bir hal\u00fcsinasyon, karanl\u0131k bir oyun da de\u011fildi. Kar\u015f\u0131mda duran, etiyle kemi\u011fiyle, nefes alan benim k\u0131z\u0131md\u0131. Defne\u2019ydi. \u0130ki y\u0131l \u00f6nceki o kahredici g\u00fcnden bu yana hi\u00e7 b\u00fcy\u00fcmemi\u015f gibiydi ama g\u00f6zlerindeki o \u00e7ocuksu masumiyetin yerini derin bir yorgunluk alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnne?\u201d dedi titrek, c\u0131l\u0131z bir f\u0131s\u0131lt\u0131yla. Sesi, telefonda duydu\u011fum o ince, korkmu\u015f sesti. Sesindeki o \u00e7aresizlik t\u0131n\u0131s\u0131 ruhumu ortadan ikiye yard\u0131.<\/p>\n

Dizlerimin ba\u011f\u0131 \u00e7\u00f6z\u00fcld\u00fc. Yere y\u0131\u011f\u0131lmamak i\u00e7in kap\u0131 pervaz\u0131na s\u0131k\u0131ca tutunmak zorunda kald\u0131m. Akl\u0131m, g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm bu imk\u00e2ns\u0131z manzaray\u0131 reddetmek i\u00e7in \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131n\u0131yordu. \u0130ki y\u0131l \u00f6nce, \u00fczerine toprak at\u0131l\u0131rken sinir krizleri ge\u00e7irdi\u011fim o k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck beyaz tabut, mezar ta\u015f\u0131na dokundu\u011fum o buz gibi anlar beynimde yank\u0131lan\u0131yordu. Ama bedenim, bir annenin en ilkel i\u00e7g\u00fcd\u00fcleri benden \u00f6nce davrand\u0131. Ona do\u011fru sendeledim, sonra bir ad\u0131m daha att\u0131m. \u00d6n\u00fcnde diz \u00e7\u00f6k\u00fcp kollar\u0131m\u0131 boynuna sard\u0131\u011f\u0131mda hissetti\u011fim o tan\u0131d\u0131k sabun ve vanilya kokusu, zihnimdeki t\u00fcm kara bulutlar\u0131 da\u011f\u0131tt\u0131.<\/p>\n

Ona dokunabiliyordum. O ger\u00e7ekti. \u00dc\u015f\u00fcyordu ama s\u0131cac\u0131kt\u0131.<\/p>\n

\u201cDefne\u2026 Benim g\u00fczel bebe\u011fim,\u201d diye h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131rd\u0131m, kurumu\u015f, birbirine dolanm\u0131\u015f sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 \u00f6p\u00fcc\u00fckler ard\u0131nda b\u0131rak\u0131rken. \u201cNas\u0131l olur? Sen\u2026 Biz seni kaybettik. Ben seni kendi ellerimle\u2026\u201d C\u00fcmlemi tamamlayamad\u0131m. Bo\u011faz\u0131mdan sadece ac\u0131 dolu bir inilti d\u00f6k\u00fcld\u00fc.<\/p>\n

Defne incecik kollar\u0131n\u0131 boynuma dolad\u0131, k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bedeni sars\u0131larak a\u011fl\u0131yordu. \u201c\u00c7ok korktum anne,\u201d diye h\u0131\u00e7k\u0131rd\u0131 g\u00f6\u011fs\u00fcme ba\u015f\u0131n\u0131 g\u00f6merken. \u201cBeni b\u0131rakt\u0131\u011f\u0131 o evden ka\u00e7mak \u00e7ok zordu. Kap\u0131lar\u0131 hep kilitliyorlard\u0131. Seni bulamayaca\u011f\u0131m diye \u00e7ok korktum.\u201d<\/p>\n

M\u00fcd\u00fcr masas\u0131n\u0131n arkas\u0131nda \u015fa\u015fk\u0131nl\u0131ktan donakalm\u0131\u015f, eli telefonun ahizesinde ne yapaca\u011f\u0131n\u0131 bilemez halde bize bak\u0131yordu. G\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131m\u0131 elimin tersiyle silip Defne\u2019nin y\u00fcz\u00fcn\u00fc avu\u00e7lar\u0131m\u0131n aras\u0131na ald\u0131m. Y\u00fcz\u00fc solgundu, yanaklar\u0131 i\u00e7ine \u00e7\u00f6km\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc.<\/p>\n

\u201cSeni kim b\u0131rakt\u0131 bir tanem? Hangi evden, kimden ka\u00e7t\u0131n?\u201d Sesimdeki titremeyi gizlemeye \u00e7al\u0131\u015f\u0131yordum ama i\u00e7imde uyanan karanl\u0131k bir \u015f\u00fcphe, zehirli bir sarma\u015f\u0131k gibi kalbimi sarmaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 bile.<\/p>\n

Defne burnunu \u00e7ekti, o ela g\u00f6zlerini benim ya\u015fl\u0131 g\u00f6zlerime dikti. \u201cBabam,\u201d dedi yutkunarak<\/p>\n"},"alt_text":"","media_type":"image","mime_type":"image\/webp","media_details":{"width":1200,"height":322,"file":"2026\/03\/ff-20.webp","filesize":70758,"sizes":{"medium":{"file":"ff-20-300x81.webp","width":300,"height":81,"filesize":5226,"mime_type":"image\/webp","source_url":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/ff-20-300x81.webp"},"large":{"file":"ff-20-1024x275.webp","width":1024,"height":275,"filesize":50490,"mime_type":"image\/webp","source_url":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/ff-20-1024x275.webp"},"thumbnail":{"file":"ff-20-150x150.webp","width":150,"height":150,"filesize":4558,"mime_type":"image\/webp","source_url":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/ff-20-150x150.webp"},"medium_large":{"file":"ff-20-768x206.webp","width":768,"height":206,"filesize":29676,"mime_type":"image\/webp","source_url":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/ff-20-768x206.webp"},"full":{"file":"ff-20.webp","width":1200,"height":322,"mime_type":"image\/webp","source_url":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/ff-20.webp"}},"image_meta":{"aperture":"0","credit":"","camera":"","caption":"","created_timestamp":"0","copyright":"","focal_length":"0","iso":"0","shutter_speed":"0","title":"","orientation":"0","keywords":[]}},"post":5065,"source_url":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/ff-20.webp","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5066","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/attachment"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5066"}],"wp:attached-to":[{"embeddable":true,"post_type":"post","id":5065,"href":"https:\/\/bilgitarif.com\/yeni\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5065"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}